"That's not my alarm. Can't be. Ugh. It is. Okay, I have to go to the gym. I said I would go every day until Thanksgiving and I didn't go yesterday. Get up. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh I don't WANT to. I'll get up in five minutes. No, I won't. If I don't get up now there is no way I'm going. If I don't go then I will be fat forever. I am not fat. I am NOT FAT. I cannot set my daughter up to have a negative body image. But, if I don't lose 20 pounds then I am going to complain about it and she will think that it's normal. Is 20 pounds reasonable? That seems like a lot. Okay, okay. If I get up now and go to the gym, then Joel and I can order dinner tonight instead of cooking. Deal?"
I took the deal. With myself. I do this in so many facets of my life that I am beginning to think it's some kind of compulsion. I also put an enormous amount of pressure on myself to do everything. All of it.
Today I MUST:
Go to the gym
Eat a healthy breakfast
NOT wear those tights again
NOT go to the expensive coffee place on the way to work
Finish a,b, and c at work
Eat the lunch I brought DO NOT go out for lunch
NOT eat sugar
Finish x,y, and z at work
Drink more water
NOT get frustrated with Person A or Person B, it's just who they are
Think of fun things to do with my daughter, WE LIVE IN NEW YORK! DO MORE STUFF!
Write a blog post! Slacking! DO THIS EVERY DAY!
How are we supposed to do all of these things all of the time? I want to be an outstanding Mother, a fit, healthy, successful woman at work, an attentive, emotionally and physically nourishing partner to my Baby Daddy, a great friend to many, an Aunt and Sister worth my weight in gold, and a Daughter of whom my parents are proud. Also? I have to keep the grey out of my hair and my nails polished.
This instead:
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